Knowing Page 17

  “You were right to ask, Mae Thelma. You need to learn how to drive. Don’t make no sense to have that car sitting in the garage catching dust.” He patted her on the arm. “Don’t you worry none, by the end of next week, you’ll be good enough to drive in the Indy Five Hundred.”

  He gave her a smile that left her heart aglow. As she felt the tender magic of his hand touching her, she longed to have his arms around her. For several moments, she studied the richness of his smooth chocolate skin, inhaling the clean scent of his cologne, his full lips, dark and luscious as ripe blackberries.

  Sitting beside him so close and alone, she felt the power of his attraction. His muscular body, his sexy voice, his intelligence and maturity all spelled Mr. Wonderful. Mae Thelma rehearsed over in her mind one of her favorite passages from the Bible, which she’d hope would soon bear truth, as she looked into his eyes:

  How fair and how pleasant art thou, O love, for delights! This thy stature is like to a palm tree, and thy breasts to clusters of grapes. I said, I will go up to the palm tree, I will take hold of the boughs thereof: no also thy breasts shall be as clusters of the vine, and the smell of thy nose like apples; and the roof of thy mouth like the best wine for my beloved, that goeth down sweetly, causing the lips of those that are asleep to speak. I am my beloved’s and his desire is toward me.

  She smiled as his hazel eyes met hers for a brief moment. He handed the parking attendant the toll and walked around to open her door. Her long, loose hair was entangled in the seat belt. As she worked to free her tresses, Jackson reached over to help. Mae Thelma felt as if each hair on her head was a living, breathing tentacle of sexuality as Jackson manipulated the silky lengths with his large hands.

  She flapped her lashes as though she were about to take flight, uttering a polite thank you when he helped her down from the truck. Her heart stopped short as his breath whipped across her cheeks. At that moment she knew, knew that she needed a man . . . this man.

  “I’m sorry to bother you, Aunt Katherine,” Kim said, wiping her reddened nose, “but . . . I knew you’d understand.” She wept into the phone. “Bill came into the office today, and saw me and my friend Randall together . . .”

  “And?”

  “Aunt Katherine, we’re just friends, nothing more. Randall was consoling me— his arm around my shoulder — just trying to make me feel better. My boss, Mr. Cameron, and I have been at odds lately.” Her voice trailed off with embarrassment. “That’s not completely true,” said Kim feeling the need to confess and rid herself of the guilt she felt.

  “What, you and Randall?”

  “No, Mr. Cameron and I.” She pressed her balled fist in her mouth, as tears crowded her eyes. “Aunt Katherine, I feel like killing myself, I’ve been such a fool!”

  “Kim!” Katherine shouted into the phone, “I don’t ever want to hear you talk like that again! Do you hear me?”

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t really mean it. I feel I’m being punished . . . punished for the wrong I’ve been doing.” Her words came faster as she spat them out quickly before she could snatch them back. “I should have stopped, I should have resisted, I should have been stronger, I should have —”

  “Kim, what are you saying?” Katherine was now concerned.

  Kim spoke in an almost childlike voice. “I sometimes feel that it would be easier on everyone concerned if I just wasn’t around.”

  Katherine understood so well how she felt. Sometimes life just dealt you a bad hand. Yet she’d never entertain the thought of taking her own life. Her life was consumed with loneliness when she wasn’t with Ginger and the kids. There was nothing for her to do all day. No one to talk to. No one to complain to about her pains and ailments. No one to cook for. No one to love . . .

  “I’ve been having an affair with my boss for the past three years.” There, she’d done it. It was out in the open. She heaved a sigh of relief and, closing her eyes, told her aunt about her indiscretion.

  “I was weak, Aunt Katherine. It hadn’t happened since I met Bill. I promised myself in order to earn the love from Bill and, hopefully, his proposal of marriage, that I wouldn’t continue the affair. I truly love Bill. Though he deserves better — I’m not ready to give him up. It’s become more and more apparent to me since my father’s illness that I want what Mama and he have. All the screwing around and all the men I’ve been through, trying to avoid a commitment, has stopped. I should have been running toward a relationship instead of away from one.”

  “Kim, honey. Don’t judge yourself too harshly. Everyone makes mistakes. Lord knows, I have. Do you think I don’t have a past that I’m ashamed of? I’ve done some things in my lifetime that I wouldn’t dare tell my kids, and wouldn’t want them to find out about either. Even though they’re all grown, they still wouldn’t understand.”

  “You . . . Aunt Katherine?” said Kim, amazed at her candor and frankness.

  “Yes, me. You got part of my blood running through your veins. We’re creatures of nature. And nature intended for us to be sexual. We don’t always choose the right mate, but we choose by instincts and survival. Sometimes you get caught up in the web of lust and adventure and you don’t even wish to escape.”

  “That’s how it was with Mr. Cameron. I was the adventuress scheming to win a higher position in the office, climbing the executive ladder ahead of my colleagues, looking down on them as though they were fools, doing it the hard way — while all the time, unknowingly, I was being finessed by a skilled con man, hip to what I was doing all along. I ended up being the usee instead of the user.”

  “But you’ve learned?”

  “Yes, I’ve learned the hard way. Bought sense, instead of borrowed sense, like my mama used to say.” She smiled at the thought of her innocent mother, but it quickly faded when she admitted it would kill her if she knew her daughter was nothing more than a high-class whore.

  “I don’t care how he threatened you, Kim. If I were you I’d change my job. You’re educated, and Jewel’s shown me all the awards you’ve received from the firm.”

  “Mama showed you my awards?” Kim asked incredulously.

  “She might not talk to you as much as you would like, Kim, and she’s just too overprotective of you, but she’s proud of you. Always has been. She knows she’s too critical of you, but she thinks she’s too old to change her ways, electing to just be silent. Be still, as they say in the church.”

  “Be still. I’ve heard her say that before. Just be still.”

  Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.

  Stand in awe, and sin not: commune with your own heart upon your bed, and be still. Selah.

  But if ye shall do wickedly, ye shall be consumed, both ye and your king.

  He that is unjust, let him be unjust still: and he which is filthy, let him be filthy, still: and he that is righteous, let him be righteous still: and he that is holy, let him be holy still.

  Why do we sit still? Assemble yourselves, and let us enter into the defended cities, and let us be silent there: for the Lord our God hath put us to silence, and given us water of gall to drink, because we have sinned against the Lord.

  O thou sword of the Lord, how long [will it be] ere thou be quiet? Put up thyself into thy scabbard, rest, and be still.

  Katherine uttered the verses from the Bible. A heartfelt sigh escaped her trembling lips.

  “Aunt Katherine,” said Kim amazed. “I didn’t know you could recite the Bible.”

  “My neighbor, Lavern Washington, is a pastor, has been for the last thirty years. He’s recited those same words to me so many times when I came to him begging for forgiveness of my sins. Now I know them by heart — I get down on my knees and pray. Pray for understanding and guidance.” She was silent for a moment with her own prayer.

  Why aren’t you listening now Lord, listening to my silent prayers? she prayed silently. Help me through these troubled times of my life, Lord. And dear God, please my niece t
o glorify your name and cleanse her soul and heart of her sins — Thank you, Jesus. Amen.

  Kim was comforted.

  17

  Your Precious Love

  Sitting at the desk in her bedroom, Kim studied the silver-framed pictures that covered her dressing table. Old photographs her mother had given her. One was of her parents when they were married in 1939. She smiled, admiring their clothing. Her mother looked especially youthful at the tender age of eighteen wearing a beaver coat with a large raccoon collar, her hair done up in crimps and spit curls haloing her narrow face. She was beautiful.

  The aged black-and-white pictures had faded to more of a burgundyish brown color. Her father wore a herringbone three-piece suit that fit him more snugly than he would have liked, as he had told her on several occasions. His strong, proud African features were plainly as handsome at twenty-one as they still were today at seventy-three.

  When she arrived home from work Kim found her mother in her bedroom, asleep in her rocking chair with the Bible facedown in her lap. She wore an old blue tattered housedress, with a pink fringed shawl covering her shoulders. Fluffy yellow slippers were half on her bare feet. As Kim turned to leave, the scent of a dozen fresh roses overpowered the newly painted room, and she wondered who had brought them.

  Kim had brought home dinner for the two of them, planning to surprise her mother with some of her old favorites. After talking to Aunt Katherine, she realized she needed to spend more time with her mother. Dinner at home for a change would be a start.

  She’d stopped at Erma’s Soul Food Restaurant on Six Mile Road to pick up her order of turkey and dressing, collard greens, macaroni and cheese, potato salad, candied yams, and a single order of peach cobbler, with a scoop of French vanilla ice cream on the side.

  After she spooned the steaming food from the foam container into two china dishes, she placed their meal on the dining room table, then poured sparkling water into two iced glasses and arranged her mother’s favorite silverware on a folded linen napkin. Standing back to admire the setting, she felt everything was just perfect.

  The cozy dining room was filled with treasures from an era of long ago. The walls were painted a rich antique white, red brocade drapes were tasseled and tied back over lace sheers on the double-framed window, blood red carpeting covered the floor of the modest little house.

  The cherrywood dining furniture gleamed elegantly from years of polishing and loving care. Kim lit two candles on the table, then placed a large floral arrangement on the buffet.

  “My Lord, Kim, what have you done?” Jewel exclaimed as she was being led into the room by her daughter, who was doing her best to suppress her excitement and not spoil the surprise.

  Then in a voice that appeared to issue forth from some sequestered cathedral, Jewel said the customary grace. A polite amen brought the prayer to a whispered close. And Kim felt the healing begin.

  “So that’s what happened, Mama,” said Kim, laying her head on her mother’s lap.

  Jewel smoothed the back of Kim’s head, feeling more content than she had in years. She swayed her upper body back and forth as if in concert with an old spiritual.

  “Do you believe in the Lord, Kim? Do you want to be saved?”

  “Yes, Mama. But I’ve sinned. Will God ever forgive me?”

  “He that believeth and is baptized shall be saved. Get on your knees and pray to Him, and He’ll hear, for God is gracious, ’cause the Lord knows your heart. Trust in his words: ‘If my people which are called by my name shall humble themselves and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven and I will forgive their sin and I will heal . . .’ ”

  “You’re going to be proud of me,” Kim told her mother. She promised to pray every night, get baptized at the church her mother and father belonged to, go to church faithfully every Sunday, stop fornicating with Bill until they were married. Ouch! That last one was tough.

  “Been knowing Bill for a while. Didn’t like him first off.” Jewel smiled, pausing. “But that was around the time Ollie had gotten sick, and I didn’t cotton particularly to anybody’s company thereabouts.”

  Kim pulled herself up on her knees, looking like a five-year-old child with her eager, wide-eyes half-stance. “But you liked him, didn’t you Mama?”

  “ ’Course I did,” Jewel answered, blushing slightly. “Perfect gentleman he is. Make a right fine husband. I’m sure your father would app —”

  “Approve?”

  “Yes,” she said. Yet Jewel kept it to herself about Bill coming to see her that morning. He had given her a beautiful bouquet of white roses. They’d talked and talked until almost noon. He’d confided in her that he planned to ask Kim to marry him soon, but wanted the approval of her and Mr. Lee beforehand. Jewel told him there was no need to approach her husband, because he was unable to communicate, but they were as one, and she felt she could speak for her husband under the circumstances.

  “He hasn’t asked me to marry him yet, Mama. But I’m hoping he will, despite what happened today. I feel it in my heart.” She stood, giving her mother’s hand a pat. Kim was enjoying their conversation. She went over to the sofa and sat down, propping her elbow on the arm, resting her forehead in her hand. “I want a marriage like yours and Daddy’s, Mama,” she said respectfully. “Tell me what to do, Mama. I’ve never felt like this about a man before. I’m scared.”

  “No need to be scared. Be happy. Be still.” Jewel closed her eyes as she continued rocking, a peaceful expression on her face. “When I first saw your father, I knew I was in love. It was love at first sight for both of us. Eternity shone in our lips and eyes, bliss in our brows bent. Two people have to see each other for the first time at the same time, or it doesn’t work. It worked for us, and I’ve been a happy woman ever since. You know what it feels like to really be happy with a man?” She opened her eyes slowly, gauging her daughter’s response.

  Kim was spellbound by the loving glow she saw on her mother’s face. She shook her head no, as her mother continued. “When a woman’s truly and completely happy, when she talks she sings, when she walks she dances. When you’re thinking about how much you love that man, you envision a beautiful sunset, an old love song, with heaven only knows what thoughts to keep it company.”

  Kim listened and saw a side of her mother that she didn’t know existed. She was compassionate, caring, and bore so much love in such a frail body that Kim was overwhelmed with affection.

  Jewel shook her head, remembering when they’d taken Ollie away; the strength being pulled from his eyes was more than she could stand. “Those first few weeks after Ollie was gone I couldn’t bear to be without him. I dreamed of him lying beside me day and night, breathed the scent of him on my pillow” — her eyes closed again, inhaling, as if the scent still lingered — “just a breath of him. I savored those precious moments as if they were the last gulps of oxygen in an airless world. But the anguish of the moment of truth is devastating. The anguish finally leaves, but the echoes remain.” She whispered the last few words into the stilled air, which was filled with silence.

  Kim looked up into her mother’s tear-streaked face. “The only other time Ollie and I have been apart was when I was in the hospital having you.” She choked on her words as Kim wiped both their tears with the soft fringes of her mother’s shawl.

  “I love you, Mama,” said Kim, hugging her around the neck. “I’m sorry for the selfish way I’ve been acting. Will you ever forgive me?”

  Jewel placed her hands gently on Kim’s shoulders and looked her steadily in her cherubic face. A fresh stream of tears blinded her eyes and choked her voice as she said, “No, I want you to forgive me.”

  “Wha —”

  Jewel silenced her, pressing a tender finger over her warm lips, “I, too, am guilty of being selfish, more so than you. I was lonely. So very lonely. Missing that physical touch from your father, a simple hug, a kiss, a quick embrace, or maybe just a little emotional support. But not r
ealizing, and not knowing, until Katherine . . . yes . . . your wonderful Aunt Katherine enlightened me. She told me all those feelings and all those needs could be and should be shared and felt with the other person that I loved dearly . . . my daughter.”

  Kim broke down on her knees crying tears of joy that dropped like petals into a pond. She was ready for love.

  Everyone was seated, waiting anxiously in the family room, when Jackson entered like Santa Claus carrying a large black plastic bundle on his back. He passed out the small items first that were wrapped and tagged with everyone’s names. There were burgundy T-shirts for the entire family, with their names embossed on the back in glossy white lettering, and the state of Mississippi outlined on the front.

  Having received her gift the day before, Autumn sat content with her Raggedy Ann doll tucked on her right, and a naked Suzy Scribbles on her left. Her mother had taken Suzy’s clothes and washed them, though Autumn couldn’t understand why. Her eyes darted back and forth to the laundry room, waiting to hear the buzzer from the dryer.

  Ginger opened the large box for Autumn, who didn’t seem to be interested in the two Sunday dresses that were fit for a little princess. Ginger could tell by the furrow in her brows that she was still mad about Suzy’s clothes. Ginger didn’t want to hurt her baby’s feelings and remind her that they smelled of strong urine from at least two drenchings.

  Jason’s box was empty, except for a card inside explaining that his gift was in the garage. He quickly went out to find it, leaving the others tearing open boxes, with wads of wrapping paper and ribbon cluttering the floor.

  Christian was relieved when he saw a chemistry set containing 101 experiments. It was the biggest one he’d ever seen. Feeling himself almost a man, too old for kisses, he extended his hand, giving Jackson a macho handshake and thanking him.